One-Forty-Five AM Excerpt- Self Discovery

airplane blogWhy is it that I wish to travel?

Am I trying to fill some kind of deficiency in my life with the word ‘possibility’? Or, am I in fact running from some kind of insecurity I’m facing?

Only when I lie awake at night thinking about where I plan to go, do I get the overwhelming feeling that my subconscious has a hidden agenda. I want to burst into tears- mainly from my sleep deprivation and the thought of having to be up in less than five hours with no hope or prospect of getting any sleep. But I also want to cry because I need to discover myself; find out who I really am and I don’t believe that is possible until I’ve met myself in a different environment. Only then can I choose which version of myself I would like to continue being. We are all two people- a messy, inconsistent ray of constant thought and song lyrics, and this other person that we present to the world. Physically we share the same looks but mentally we do not match, mainly because we haven’t identified who we are mentally until some form of existential epiphany lands smack down on us. I don’t know if I’ve ever been close to one but that feeling of dread and terror that washes over me when I think of being in an alien country, alone, mixes with the thrill and excitement that washes over me when I think of being in an alien country, alone; they come close to something of an epiphany- a glimpse of who I am and can be.

I am scared because what if I realise loneliness is my greatest fear? Or, if I meet people who may not be as welcoming as the people who live in the cottages around me? I’m more scared that I’ll let fear rule me.

There isn’t a way to lose these fears and there isn’t a way to live without them by using them to set you free. It isn’t that hope is stronger than fear-it is- but that’s as good as numbing a wound with morphine. It helps you live with it but eventually it’s not good enough. Eventually the infection takes over, consuming you even if you don’t feel it. Just like living in the shadows of fear will eventually consume you; not necessarily condemn you to death but it will ensure the type of person you become- someone who for me, would avoid booking that flight (or picking up that spider) which would result in only ever seeing one version of myself and that is far more scary than being alone.

So, screw you fear! I’m going to board that plane and prove to myself loneliness can be the best cure for the infection of identity. The pit in my stomach is through excitement and the faster pace of my heart beats to the rhythm of the jet engines.

I’m going to find myself and that isn’t hope speaking and numbing the fear- that is knowing. A knowing of the person I’m going to find  has been a part of me all along and that she is fearless. 

I told myself this and I have never looked back.


One thought on “One-Forty-Five AM Excerpt- Self Discovery

  1. Pingback: To come to live in the peace of fulfilment of our own Divine Identity | From guestwriters

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